It sounds super manly but slightly tacky to say I let her win, right? I mean, I did, mainly because I was essentially ganged up on, but I did manage to get in a couple of really good jabs before I just laid back and let it happen. I pretty much had to just smile through her punches. I simply could not match her ego. I actually think I showed a great deal of restraint and maturity in just smiling through it.
But let me tell you. She was basking in her victory. When she got done, she looked like she had just shit for the first time in weeks. Just raw euphoria. Like she had just won some kind of geriatric spelling bee.
It was during a Tuesday night “beginner’s” meeting of AA, which I tend to mildly enjoy even though I’m past the recommended one year of sobriety to attend the beginner’s meeting. It’s commonplace. Most of us are over a year sober. A guy was there that night with over forty years of sobriety.
Now let me just say that I’m going to rant a little in this article, but I pride myself on telling both sides of the story if I am able. For this, I am able. I did not do anything stupid, mean, belligerent, disrespectful, or malevolent in ANY way whatsoever. I made one small statement that I rightly and instantly predicted would be ill-received, but I heard it and clarified it IMMEDIATELY. That is literally the entire other side of the story. All the people in the room heard me say something that I wanted to clarify, so I did, and then I just talked about how I was using writing to help me with my struggle through sobriety. That’s just worthy of being verbally attacked, now isn’t it?
I had planned on sharing with the group that night if the topic was to my liking (I typically feel like sharing when I’m either really high or really low, but never when I’m coasting for some reason.) However, the leader of the meeting chose that for me before I ever had the chance to volunteer. He looked at me when the room fell silent and stared with that, “I’m calling on you without saying your name” look on his face. So I gave in and said, “My name is Denton and I’m an alcoholic.”
And from there I spoke. I never said anything provocative or overly radical. I simply talked for maybe three or four minutes about how much writing has helped me in areas where I struggle, mainly the whole “higher power” thing. This was not a shocking revelation to any of them in that room. They know I’ve struggled with that. I’ve been there almost every Tuesday night for a year and a half. But apparently within my time talking I proceeded to make ONE statement that was, from that moment until the end of the meeting, ridiculed and/or mocked by FOUR different people (mainly the old bitch,) even though I clarified my statement. Even if I hadn’t clarified it, it was about as worthy of mockery as a toddler accidentally saying “shit” when he’s trying to say something else.
AA is typically a place where the seasoned members do not hold back with the youngsters (and seventeen months sober is still a youngster in my opinion.) It’s a no bullshit kind of place. If they have something on their mind and you’re being an idiot, they will let you hear it. Mostly, I have found this practice to be not only acceptable, but probably a good idea. The really fresh babies need some tough love. So it’s usually a good thing.
When it’s deserved. I did NOT deserve it. For seventeen months I have not deserved it, so this was not the culmination of them saying, “Okay, I’ve had enough of this dumbass. I’m about to f**k him up.” So since I did not deserve this, I now must rant about some shit that will fester if I don’t.
So what did I say that was so heinous? Towards the beginning of my time talking, I said, “Those of you that have heard me talk a little around here know I’m just different in my thinking at times. I just don’t feel like I am like you guys.” I immediately heard what I had said and clarified it because I immediately knew somebody would take offense. And rightfully so. They do not appreciate the assumption that any alcoholic thinks they are better or different than any other.
And I wholeheartedly agree with them. We are ALL alike, we were ALL drunks, and we ALL had shitty stuff happen to us that was pretty much our own making. I have NEVER disagreed with that sentiment. I am absolutely no different than anybody else sitting in AA.
What I clarified IMMEDIATELY was that I am “different” in that I struggle with the “higher power” part of the twelve steps whereas there wasn’t a damn soul sitting in that room who has not preached about how they owe their higher power all the glory for their sobriety. So I actually AM different at this stage in my life and at this stage in my sobriety. I did not say anything that was not true. I am quite literally the ONLY one in that group who cannot or will not complete the twelve steps because I do not know how to “hand my will and my life over to God as I understand him.”
And I said exactly that. When I immediately clarified that what I meant had everything to do with the God thing, I carried on with my speaking as if this was understood and acceptable. Apparently I was wrong. But I did not know that yet. I finished my time talking about how much writing had helped me and how it had opened up my mind to things I had not considered and helped me answer questions I could not have answered otherwise. I talked about how much I enjoy writing and how I almost got published ten years ago and this is reminding me how much I enjoyed it then and how it was helping me dream again. Just all good, bubbly shit.
But what did three other people in addition to Old Lady Winter say during that meeting as a means to mock me? With oozing sarcasm, they all said a rendition of “Yeah, I’m different, too. Nobody was like me when I walked in here.” Just being blatant assholes. I get it. You need to sound prestigious and veteran-like and make me sound like an ignorant, belligerent dumbass, but you’re just an asshole. It’s okay. I can be one, too. And I hope people talk shit about me on a blog, too. It’ll make me feel special.
Anyway, would you believe that when it was Midget Bea Arthur’s turn to talk, she went off script from the other assholes and informed me that she HAD been published? She said it with such pretentious bitchiness that it shocked me a little bit. After she said it, she even looked right at me with these “Haha, mothafucka” eyes. It was one of the few times in my life (and I mean VERY few times in my life) that I said exactly what I should have said in return. There was no looking back ten minutes later and thinking, “Damn, I wish I would have said that.”
No, when she told me she HAD been published and looked at me with her “Haha, mothafucka” eyes, I looked right at her and said, “Well you’re old. I still have time.”
I heard somebody say, “Oh shit” in the side of the room, apparently shocked that I would come back at her.
And what did she then come back with? She said, “I was twenty-three. How old were you?”
I did a quick chuckle and said, “I had no idea we were having a pissing contest.”
My guess is that this lady is about seventy-five years old, and I absolutely do NOT regret either sentence out of my mouth. Why? Because before she ever said that (and some of it after,) she informed me that I needed to quit writing and just read the AA Big Book. She told me that I WILL go back to drinking one day unless I “get with the program” and stop thinking so much. She told me to stop making it so hard on myself and just follow the AA way. She told me that LOTS of people have made money selling books talking about their sobriety story. “It doesn’t keep them sober,” she said. “We all have a story. I don’t know of anybody that needs to write another one.”
Can I just say something that I probably still won’t regret if she dies tonight? She was a total bitch. Or she was in that moment, at least. She even told me that the reason I will drink again is because of my ego. Quite the exclamation coming from a human being that probably struggles to predict the future but will clearly never let such an encumbrance stop her from trying. I’m only assuming, of course. She seemed so infallible about everything, she could be Jesus’s sister. You don’t know that she’s not, now do you?
But can you think of a more egotistical way to live than to think YOUR way is the only way? That AA is the ONLY way to stay sober? Is it absolutely REQUIRED that I “hand my will and my life over to God as I understand him,” and if I don’t, I am NOT sober, I am nothing more than a dry drunk? Will the opinions of the founders of AA be the ONLY doctrine that can ever be assigned or obeyed for those people who are alcoholics? Nobody else will be allowed to THINK and reason and maybe even come up with another way that works for them? This is not allowed? Advancements in treatments and ideologies will never happen?
Notice I did not say “better” way. I will NEVER say that any other way is BETTER than AA. Why? Because even though all alcoholics are the same in how and why we walked through the door, we are also ALL different. We are different in how we handle sobriety, different in how we pray, different in what our higher power looks like, different in how we perceive this new, wonderfully sober world around us, different in how we handle the struggles of life without drinking.
So what if there is another way to stay sober that works for ME when I can’t fully embody the AA way? I am NOT required to know what that is yet. I might decide ten years from now that the AA way is the ONLY way. I may not. I might decide that my form of prolonged treatment is to eat fried yellow jackets every time I think about drinking. But I don’t have to decide that yet. All I truly have to do every day is stay f**king sober. Other than that, I do NOT have to follow anybody’s “rules” on sobriety. Besides, I don’t even have my own rules yet. And I’m not required to have them. I’m just supposed to stay sober.
Almost from day one when you first walk into the rooms of AA, you will hear somebody say, “Take what you need and leave the rest.” I’ve always left a lot. I’ve taken a lot, too. But there is no requirement to take everything you hear in those rooms as gospel, even if it comes from their holy book. The people that wrote that, you may recall, were drunks. So they’ve already admitted they were insane. So take what you need out of THAT and leave the rest.
The people that believe there is only one way are absolute hypocrites. They say MY ego is going to insure that I drink again one day, but believing there is only one way to do something does NOT show ego? Really? I mean, maybe they’re right. Maybe I will drink again one day. I absolutely suck at predicting the future with the precision of a seasoned AA vet. They’re the experts with crystal balls and shit, especially since they preach one day at a time and then go completely off script and say, “Nah, we didn’t really mean that one day at a time shit. We be predicting failures around this piece.” Whatever it takes to pump up your brethren, right?
So What Does the Big Book Say About All of This?
Let’s dive into the Big Book for a few moments to personalize this endeavor, shall we? I’m skipping step two because I have NEVER refused the idea of a higher power. Allowing that I was “insane” prior to sobriety? I have some issue with that, but it’s not the level of issue I have with Step 3. If you are not familiar, Step 3 states, “Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.”
First, shortly into the chapter on Step 3, they tell me that just by entering the doors of AA, I have actually begun Step 3 without even realizing it. This is their rationale for that:
“Isn’t it true that in all matters touching upon alcohol, each of them has decided to turn his or her life over to the care, protection, and guidance of Alcoholics Anonymous?”
Um, no, not really. I looked to them for a little guidance in the beginning, but I walked in the doors of AA having put on my recently purchased big boy pants and, while putting them on, said, “F**k you, alcohol. I’m done.” What I needed from AA was to just talk to some people I could relate to so that I felt remotely normal. So yeah, I needed a little guidance, but not a lot. And I did not need their care or protection. So no, I did not get an early start on Step 3. Clearly I’m the black sheep.
Am I being egotistical in my feelings there, Old Lady Knowitall? Yes, I absolutely am. I will admit it to anybody. It’s one of the few places I am really sure of myself. They say you must go to ninety meetings in your first ninety days. I might have done twenty. I never actually needed more than that. I was as drunk as any person in there for twenty years. I did some really embarrassing and stupid shit because of my alcoholism. I damn near lost my family. But when I said I was done, I was absolutely done. So yeah, there’s a hint of ego in me. But I wish I had more!!
Case in point. There is a section of Step 3 where they are breaking down the many different kinds of people and how they all have very similar issues with Step 3. It’s actually REALLY well done on the authors’ part. It’s completely inclusive of most alcoholics I’ve met, even me. It’s really very impressive that they can hit on almost every type of alcoholic I’ve ever met. The part that probably describes me best is this:
“How persistently we claim the right to decide all by ourselves just what we shall think and just how we shall act. Oh yes, we’ll weigh the pros and cons of every problem. We’ll listen politely to those who would advise us, but all the decisions are to be ours alone. Nobody is going to meddle with our personal independence in such matters.”
Sounds good to me so far. Essentially, I want to have the power and confidence to make my own decisions based on my own personal thoughts and feelings. In different words, I still NEED this confidence in many ways. Later on in the same paragraph, it says:
“We are certain that our intelligence, backed by willpower, can rightly control our inner lives and guarantee us success in the world we live in. This brave philosophy, wherein each man plays God, sounds good in the speaking, but it still has to meet the acid test: how well does it actually work? One good look in the mirror ought to be answer enough for any alcoholic.”
Oh, now we start having some issues. I am certain that I would like to experience the CONFIDENCE in my intelligence and willpower to control my inner life. Maybe one day? And honestly, what idiot believes there is any way whatsoever that anybody can “guarantee success in the world we live in?” That’s just stupid. It reminds you that this book, just like this article, was written by drunks. I think we’re allowed different opinions, especially concerning what should be an obvious misjudgment in common sense.
And seriously? Wherein each man plays God? No matter the ego those people thought I had at that AA meeting, I’m not a f**king moron. And if I thought I had the power of God, you would damn sure know it outside the walls of AA. The whole f**king WORLD would know I wielded that kind of power.
And how well does it actually work when I try to play God? No idea, sport. That’s another stupid sentence in an otherwise brilliant book. In its simplest terms, I believe God is responsible for everything that happens TO me, but I’m responsible for how I react to it. He gave me free will, intelligence, perseverance, insight, and many other amazing characteristics. Why would He not want me to use them?
And yes, I know somebody is going to come back with, “Well, He also gave you the ability to sin, but he doesn’t really want you to use that ability, now does He?” I’m pretty good at knowing the arguments to my own arguments. But if you ask me that, you’re just trying to be argumentative for the sake of being an asshole, so I’ll ignore it.
As for the last sentence in the above excerpt, I might be twenty-five pounds heavier than I was when I last looked at a drunk man in the mirror, but I RESPECT the man I see now. I still have a lot of self-esteem issues and confidence issues and contentment issues, but I finally like the dude looking back at me.
Tuesday night, some people in AA reminded me of politicians so closed-minded that they don’t deserve anybody’s respect or attention because, well, they’re assholes so far above a grade of asshole that I could ever achieve that they are almost at the level of the “higher power” they worship. Hell, I don’t even know HOW they worship someone so close to their same level.
You might be reading this and you agree wholeheartedly with the AA members that attempted to put me in my place that night. And if so, you might be right. Alternatively, I don’t care. You’re as entitled to your opinion as I am. But what if somebody is reading this who is struggling with the god thing and also isn’t willing or able to just blindly say, “You know. I don’t think I’m personally capable of doing anything for myself anymore. God, please bathe me from this point forward and begin to compel my hand to lift the food off my plate so that I may be nourished. I am no longer willing to think or do for myself.”
And was that quote stupid, obtuse, overboard, and blatantly clusterf**ked in its very absurdity? Yes, it was. You see how I can recognize stupid shit I say? It doesn’t take away from the fact that somebody might read this one day who is closer to being like me than he or she is to fully accepting the AA way, and if so, they might gain some comfort in my words. THAT is why I do this.
But I do NOT know how to put my blind faith in God to take over my life. And I actually believe in Him!! But I don’t have a lot of self-confidence in myself. I’m also really insecure about most things. I believe I need to gain personal, human-borne power before I can ever consider letting God take over my life. I believe I will let him keep right on controlling the world, and I’m going to keep right on trying to figure out my place in this world and how best to live it. That is what I believe. It is also what I believe I need to stay sober for the rest of my life.
God could let me down and not do what I want. He could ruin something I was looking forward to. He could put obstacles in my way that I can’t avoid. But only these hands and this brain can actually be responsible for NOT picking up a drink. He can’t help me with the physical act of not drinking. If I don’t put blind faith in something or somebody, I have no one to blame should something turn out shitty. If the shittiness is MY fault, however, I only have myself to blame. And there is not a damn soul who is going to tell me that my BELIEFS are wrong. I refuse to tell you that your beliefs are wrong. Why? Because they’re YOUR f**king beliefs.
But to go and tell me I WILL drink again and that I am NOT sober because I haven’t yet followed the AA way is the very representation of the ego they accused me of having. They accused ME of having an ego so large that I refuse to hand over my will and life to God, therefore I WILL drink again, but yet THEY have no ego because they think their way is the only way? Really? That’s called hypocrisy, boys and girls.
Oh, and another guy at the meeting Tuesday night informed me that a former sponsor of his told him that his constant thinking was just “mental masturbation.” Okay? Good for him, I guess? So, what, he’s like good with alliteration? Or enjoys thinking about masturbation? I just didn’t get it. Masturbation isn’t that bad, after all. It has a happy ending, right?
In AA, you are not allowed to be a thinker. You are not allowed to do things your own way, lest you be mocked for your inadequacies or your insurgency. You are not allowed to have a hobby such as writing to help yourself deal with the struggles of sobriety. You apparently cannot use writing as your form of service either. I absolutely believe in giving back to new or existing alcoholics, but if this is my way of doing so, I dare you to tell me it’s not as good as your method of giving back. You must be a puppet and marionette your little ass straight through the twelve steps without asking too many damn questions.
Not that I am one, but did you know that in the “Chapter to the Agnostic” in the AA Big Book, it does not really allow for the agnostic to REMAIN agnostic? Not even a little bit shitting you. It basically says that once you hang around AA long enough, you’ll see that there IS a higher power and you will no longer be agnostic. There’s fourteen pages summed up for you. But once again, there will be no independent thought coming out of the drunks. That’s apparently a no-no. You can be an agnostic all you want when you’re a drunk. But when you join the AA way, you no longer can be.
You mean to tell me that after 83 years, there is NOBODY that can have unique thoughts about addiction and recovery and sobriety and how best to heal? If you really believe that, you have absolutely no ability to accept progress and you do NOT actually believe in God, because if you believed in God, you would believe that he built us in his image and he made us all different and uniquely beautiful. That means we are allowed to have different thoughts, feelings, emotions, ideas, and maybe even methods to stay sober.
And here is the most damning hypocrisy of them all. There are dozens of medical associations in this country who categorize alcoholism as a disease. Can you think of a single disease in the world that has not undergone a drastic change in research, treatment, medical procedures, pharmaceuticals, diagnosis, etc over the last eighty-three years? You can’t because there is only one. We treat alcoholism the exact same way we did eighty-three years ago. We tell drunks they MUST go to AA and they MUST believe in a higher power. We are still, eighty-three years later, trying to cure a “disease” with religion.
And you know what? I’m not saying that isn’t the exact thing we should be doing. It might actually be the only way. But what if it isn’t? I’m allowed to have my own fucking thoughts without being belittled and mocked for them.
Anybody that believes AA is the ONLY way is a hypocrite. Plain and simple. And the best part is that they do NOT agree with me on that because they are on even footing with their higher power. I mean, they must be, right? They already know I’m going to drink again, those crazy fortune-tellers.
I told my wife what happened Tuesday night and her first and only statement was, “Well I guess you’re done going to that meeting.”
“Hell no, I’m not,” I said. “I might not ever miss another one.”
Bring it, old lady.
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