A few friends and I started a side business this week. I would have never done that four years ago.
Before I turned my every waking minute into building a website, I was the only unaffiliated candidate in the state of North Carolina to run for the General Assembly. I never would have done that four years ago.
Before I ran for office, I made the decision to tell my sobriety story to the world because that was healing for me. I never would have had the guts – or the ability – to do that four years ago.
I’m not writing this as an anniversary tale or an attempt at a pat on the back. My four year sobriety anniversary isn’t until May. And I’m sure somebody will give me a virtual pat on the back for writing this. That’s expected but not required. And somebody will probably tell me they’re proud of me. But that’s not why I’m writing it.
For me, after a week where I traveled the full spectrum of emotions because of accomplishing something that caused me great doubt, it’s all about reminding myself of where I was and where I am now, and if that helps others who may be wondering what life can be after addiction, it’s just not something I’m willing to keep to myself.
I truly believe that if I hadn’t gotten sober, I’d be dead right now. I was as close to suicidal as I had been in twenty years of addiction. That kind of mindset comes at the end, I think. It comes when you have reached a point that you steal $20 out of your own daughter’s wallet just to drink and dip because the secret account your wife doesn’t know about has dried up.
And this is AFTER you’ve also stolen bags of change from your own parents.
If I wasn’t dead right now, I really don’t know where I’d be. I can’t even imagine the depths I would have reached to maintain the addictions. I would have no family. That much is guaranteed. My wife was ready to leave and she would have taken the kids and made damn sure I’d never have the opportunity to drive drunk with them in the car.
I think there’s a chance that if I wasn’t dead, I’d be homeless, with no job, no car, nothing. That was a VERY real future for me at the end.
There’s no point in rehashing the road to rock bottom because it wasn’t as climactic as the end. If somebody is reading this who is struggling with addiction, they already know what the road is like because they’re traveling it.
But what they can’t see is that no matter how dark it is around them, there is ALWAYS a place to turn off of that road. There’s actually two turns at all times. You can go right OR left to get off that road. Both will end the addiction. It’s just that one of them ends your life.
But if you’re on that road, I hope this finds you and I hope you are able to see even a glimpse of what might happen if you choose the other turn. My life isn’t close to perfect and I’m absolutely assured that it never will be, but I’m reaching a place I never thought I would.
That place is kinda boring, and I hope it’s a place in which I never stop raising the bar, but it’s all I ever wanted: contentment.
I’ve been a little surprised by who I’ve become, but not the least bit unhappy or regretful about it. For whatever reason, when I got to about the one year sober mark, I just saw a life where I was going to leave everything out on the field. I wasn’t going to take anything I wanted to do with me to the grave.
I wanted to write. I’m doing it.
I wanted to run for office. I did it.
I saw something I thought the world needed. I found some help and we’re doing it.
I don’t know what comes next other than trying to build that business into something I know the world needs while simultaneously being the best teacher, husband, and father I can be, but if I discover something I want to do, I’m going to do everything in my power to do it.
But that stuff I just talked about is the stuff that the outside world sees. That’s the stuff I’m doing, but it’s not a full picture of who I’m becoming. Sobriety has given me riches I cannot count.
It’s given me a family that loves and respects me. It’s given me in-laws that probably hated me but now know their daughter and grandchildren are in damn good hands. It’s given me pride in my career. It’s given me this magical view of life where I love seeing other people’s happiness because it makes ME happy. It’s given me dreams and hope and joy and self-respect and the unbelievable feeling that contentment is achievable.
I’m going to leave it all on the field. I stole from this world for twenty years, and I’m going to give anything and everything I have back to it.
And yes, it gave me one thing I did not want. Sobriety gave me about twenty-five extra pounds. And fighting it is a daily struggle.
But sobriety gave me something I had struggled with even more than that for the majority of my life. Until 1,350 days ago, I had felt like a failure for most of my life. No matter what I did, I never felt like a success.
Well I kicked addiction’s sorry ass. And that means I can do damn near anything.
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